Bram Stoked

Dracula Parody | Vampire Journal

Yak Face

These are the events of star weeks 22 and 29 October, 2012, as my colleagues and I recall them. We ask none to believe us.
I logged into the webcam of the U.S.S. Exeter promptly at 1800 hours, aforementioned star date, and made contact with the U.S.S. Enterprise. I could hear the admiral’s computer in its safe mode.
“How do you feel? How do you feel? How do you feel? How do you feel?”
I attempted to make contact with Admiral Kirkland. “Bern, are you there? Hey, Bernie! I thought we were gonna get on eBay tonight? HellOOOooooo!”
“Admiral James T. Kirkland here. Over.”
“Did you see what’s on eBay?”
“Begin proper transmission, Captain Ronald Tracey. Over.”
“Oh, for crying out loud.” I took a deep breath. “Its five-year mission to explore strange new worlds, seek out new life, blah blah blah blah-”
“This is Admiral James T. Kirkland broadcasting from the cockpit of the U.S.S. Enterprise! Exeter landing party! Come in, Exeter landing party! You have to do the whole thing!! Over!”
“Come on, can’t we just get on eBay and-”
“Insubordination! The admiral’s name is James Tiberius, but as his subordinate, you must refer to him as Admiral! Regulation 2, paragraph 3 states-”
“Fine! I’ll do the whole thing!”
“Exeter landing party! Come in, Exeter! The admiral did not say ‘over’!”
“Can we please get on with this?!” I awaited the admiral’s reply.
“Very well. Continue, Captain Tracey. Over.”
“Jackass,” I mumbled under my breath. My patience was wearing thin, but as Admiral Kirkland did outrank me, I complied. I took several breaths, then continued transmission. “Space the final frontier.”
“Bomp ba baaaaaaa, baaa ba ba ba, bomp ba baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa! Svveeeee-owww-eeeee-rrrrrrrr. Whhhhhhooooooooooooooooosssssshhhhhhhh! These are the voyages of the Starship Enterprise. Its five-year mission to explore strange new worlds, to seek out new life and new civilizations, to boldly go where no man has gone before.”
“Are we done now?”
“Exeter landing party! Come in, Exeter! Are you there, Captain Tracey?!”
“You must wait for the admiral to say ‘over’!”
“THIS is Captain Ronald Tracey of the U. jackass S. Exeter! Can we please get on eBay?! O and ver!”
“Engaging long range censors! Captain Tracey, there exists insubordination aboard your ship! Come in, Captain Ronald-”
“Yak Face!” I awaited Admiral Kirkland’s response.
“You don’t have to be mean, Milt. Are you there? Milton?”
“I was waiting for you to say ‘over.’”
“You were being mean to the admiral. Over.”
“No, idiot. Yak Face! Somebody on eBay is selling a Yak Face, mint on card! And it’s AFA 95!”
“Double dumbass, no way! Sealed?! Does it have a reserve? Over.”
“A thousand bucks. It’s up to thirteen fifty now. And guess who’s bidding on it?” Again I awaited the admiral’s reply. “Bernie?”
“You didn’t say-”
“Guess who’s bidding on it – OOOOVER!!!”
“I see it! Star Wars Power of the Force Yak Face action figure! AFA 95 MINT ON CARD! Holy priceless collection of Etruscan snoods … the fissure is bidding on it! No way that Klingon is getting it! Holy Turbolister, it closes in two hours! Okay. Could go as high as two or three thou-. The admiral can do that. The admiral has to check his trust first. Over and out.”


We ‘ardly Knew Ye …

Foreman’s Log, dictated 20 Mar 2012


Top ‘a the mornin to ye, guv! As Mr. Nigel, our previous foreman, ‘as apparently been otherwise reassigned or wha’ever – since aint nobody seen him for weeks – I, Mr. Smollet, ‘ll be taking over ‘is duties from ‘ere on out. 

BLOOFER BLOOFer Bloofer bloofer …

Foreman’s Log, dictated 8 Mar 2012


Upon arrival at my destination, formerly Dracula’s Castle, I was greeted by three young women, whom I took to be the project managers Mr. Shlatski mentioned in his text. I say, ‘took to be,’ because, oddly, they never introduced themselves, never told me their titles, nor did they even speak to me, except that they continuously repeated one single word, “bloofer.” I took this to be some sort of colloquialism, but, really, I had no idea of its meaning. No, what these new colleagues and I did was communicate almost entirely by touching. At first I found myself showing them my wedding ring as well as handing over copies of our company’s procedure manual with the sexual harassment policy highlighted in bold. I finally recognized, however, that this touching-over-talking method must be either a manifestation of the corporation’s commitment to hiring more hearing impaired, or perhaps merely a regional custom unfamiliar to myself. Ultimately, considering my lifelong commitment to diversity, as well as my training in the Hawthorne management method, I decided positive reinforcement was the way to go and henceforth obliged. Beyond that, I have to say that my long journey to the site must have had me quite tuckered, for I remember nothing past my initial meeting with these new co-workers. We must have gotten quite a bit of work done, though, for I do find myself rather spent this morning.

The Road to Transylvania…

Foreman’s Log, dictated later, 7 Mar 2012

En route to Transylvania

My delay took so long that it was well into the noon of the day before I was back on the road, though I held off from dining again, for reasons touched on earlier.

Not far from the castle, I received a text from my predecessor, one Mr. Ronald Shlatski. The text was apparently spoken into a Dragon, but I admit, once I received it into my telephone as text, it was a bit difficult to translate to my own understanding, as this gentleman speaks in an odd broken English I’ve never heretofore experienced. That, or the machine he was using to dictate was antiquated or otherwise not working properly. Following is his message to me:

Dear new foreman:  I don’t give a rat’s :wink: if yous replace me in this here Dracula’s Castle job. My :wink: is outta here!! I left the :mad: keys outside the :mad: door. You can’t miss ‘em. They’re on top of the gargoyle that, no :-( , I  swear looks like it’s gonna jump out at yous and tear your :mad: guts out! The  project managers are waiting for yous. Alls I can say, is good luck, you :wink: hole :mrgreen: shmuck…

And then there was a bit of rather undecipherable garble that, apparently, even the Dragon couldn’t figure. In any case, I do hope the good Mr. Shlatski has a safe journey home, and I thank him for his kind and informative welcome.

We Hardly Knew Ye…

Foreman’s Log, dictated 7 Mar 2012


As Mr. Shlatski, our previous foreman, has been otherwise reassigned, I, Mr. Nigel, have been tasked with taking over his duties henceforth. Since Mr. Shlatski was the project manager, it was his job to oversee the gathering and tagging of all (formerly) Dracula’s Castle inventory and send it on to Pittsburgh in order to sell  on eBay. He was also to ready this estate for the construction and opening as scheduled, and it will, therefore, be my role to carry on in his stead, performing all said duties. I shall dictate this log, as much as possible, as its events unfold.

I woke this morning early as there was a strange sound of slapping and knocking outside my window. Couldn’t get back to sleep, so I figured it best to begin heading toward my destination, as it was to be a long ride. Before exiting the hotel, I dined on what the locals refer to as a ‘hot pocket,’ which was a funny little bread thing with some sort of cheese and possibly meat – couldn’t quite tell – actually formed into a pocket, so, kudos to the creator for its apropos moniker. I may take issue, however, with the ‘hot’ part of it, as I found it to be a rather odd mix of almost burned in some parts and quite frozen in others. I wasn’t in the cab but 12 minutes when I felt, well, a bit of a rumbling from within and had to have the driver turn back. I shall hold the details of the rest of that story and pick up this dictation from the next of my journey. I will say, however, that what occurred from thence to now left me in a bit of a bind … timewise, that is, and my arrival at the castle was delayed by hours, which means, I’m afraid, that I shant be able to begin my inventory work until the morrow. I shall, however, make substantial note of this ‘hot pocket’ dish and refuse it henceforth.

I already said Transylvania, what the &$^#!!

Foreman’s Log, dictated later, 6 Mar 2012

I already said Transylvania, what the :-) !!

Son of a :-) ! I aint NEVER gonna get used to using this dictating whatchamacall! Anywho, we started all the bagging and tagging of all the Dracula’s Castle :-) , but–wait! What the :-( was ‘at?! What WAS ‘at?!! Oh, 8-O ! I swear I heard something! Ohhhhhhh, son of a 8-O , I gotta get the :cry: outta here!! Hey, Joe! Did you just hear dat? You didn’t hear dat?! It’s like a creepy :evil: laughing?! What? Ahh, Joe, what the :mad: is your problem now?! I don’t give a sh … sh … sugar what you do wit ‘em! Shove the :twisted: …I mean …d …d … DANG creepy boxes up your … SON OF A … :-( ! WHAAAAAT?! All right, I’m coming, shut the :mad: up, will ya! Wait! Oh, 8-O , there it is again, that evil :evil: laughing!! Oh, 8-O 8-O 8-O ! I’m coming, Joe!! 8-O 8-O :evil: :evil: :twisted: :twisted: :twisted: !! :cry: :cry: :cry: :cry: :cry: :cry: :cry: {unintelligible}

Transylvania, no $**t!!

Foreman’s Log, dictated 6 March 2012

Transylvania, no  :-)  !!

Ahh, :-) ! I aint supposed to be cussing ‘cause this :-) program keeps :-) putting in them d…d…DANG … emot…emoti…oh, what the :-) is it called? Oh, :-) , smiley faces! Ahh, I aint never gonna be able to read this :-) later. Ahhh, :-) , I did it again! I can’t stop cussing! Oh, hold on. What do you want now, Joe?! Can’t you handle this :-) job without me for five :-) minutes?! I’m dictating this :-) ! Ahh, :-) ! What the :-) , ahhh, :-) ! I did it again! Joe, what the h…h…heck…HECK…I said HECK do you want, you son of a :-) , ahh, :-) ! Not again! I hate this :-) Dracula’s Castle job. Dracula, what an :-) hole. Dangit! Son of a… I mean son of… I mean, ahhhh, :-) .

Dust In My Box

Dracula’s Journal, 3 Nov 2013

U.S., Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania


All I was was dust in my box.




Goodbye Dracula’s Castle … Hello Low Prices!



As most Romanians are aware, in winter 2007, now notorious Mr. and Mrs. Cecil Bogdan of Downtown Cetatea Rasnovului, after viewing a particularly inspiring episode of Flip This House–Transylvania, purchased Romania’s beloved historical monument Dracula’s Castle for no money down.
Dracula's Castle For Sale

After several unsuccessful attempts to flip the Impaler’s abode for a quick profit, the infamous Bogdans transformed it into a duplex, with plans of living on one side and renting out the other. To this end, the couple placed an ad on Craig’s List’s Apartments and Housing section in search of renters.

Craig's List Ad Dracula's Castle for Rent

With no suitable prospective tenants and now upside down in their Fannie Mae mortgage at a reported rate of $433,333 per month with a balloon payment of 98 million dollars in ten years, the Bogdans soon joined the ranks of so many other victims of the recession just like themselves and lost the Count’s crib to foreclosure in 2009 when the housing bubble burst. Subsequently, the estate sat vacant for more than three years.

In November 2012, Dracule’s digs were purchased by a U.S. developer from Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania, who has since transformed the property into Romania’s first location of the world’s most popular chain of international warehouse clubs. Yes, that’s right – Dracula’s Castle is now DRACULA’S COSTCO!! And, with Costco’s wide selection of bulk merchandise at substantially lower-than-retail prices, Transylvanians are the winners!! (Please see Costco’s ad page 3 of this circular.)
Dracula Costco